i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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