Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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