I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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