I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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