my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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