I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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