Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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