i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
