I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize