A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I party with great urgency now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
