please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
