...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Two words: blizzard sex
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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