i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
