Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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