Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
