Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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