I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
