never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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