it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
