Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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