I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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