if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
