Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
