his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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