What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize