btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
