My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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