I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
