Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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