the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
