ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
