i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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