I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
