can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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