listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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