3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
