My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
