The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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