dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize