there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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