remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
