These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
