i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
