In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
