I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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