I puked a lego.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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