Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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