She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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