Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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