I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
