my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
