I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
