What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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