You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
