I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
