Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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