My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
