Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
