guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
