I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
