I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
