Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize